so i've been cleared from physical therapy for about a week now. this little hiccup in my life is now officially over. however i do feel some lingering pain every now and then and i'm still not able to run, i am able to pretty much do everything normally. i really fawking hope that it heals back to normal ad its like it never happened.

now that i'm back to normal i have no crutch to lean on as for the reason for me not doing shit. crutch. get it. cuz i was walking on crutches and i was using my injury as an excuse as to why i wasnt doing shit. ya. but really though, i am not doing shit. today legitimately all i did was wake up at 8, eat breakfast at 9, gym by 10, and then that was it. i sat around all day. watched tv, smoked, and then drank and watched football. i feel like such a piece of shit though. i went to school and did all that shit for what? to sit around and waste my life.

i have applied to i think 5 accounting positions. right now i want to get a job at an accounting firm just so that i can study and then become a cpa and get it over with. 2 years of bitch work to be able to sign my name Jonathan Andrews CPA. after that i want to go back for my masters. see i have all these plans but here i am sitting around stagnant and doing nothing.

i really did not want to be working at bjs still. if i work christmas eve, new years eve, and new years day, i will fucking hate everything and everyone. however it will be my own fault for not being proactive and trying to get my life started.

i havent felt this way for a long time. its a good feeling, but at the same time i leave myself very vulnerable and from the past i have found that being vulnerable ends badly. i dunno. i wanna open myself up and take a chance, but then again...do i really want to. yes. yes i do. i wanna take a chance. i want to not be scared of failure my whole life just because the feeling of failure/rejection sucks. but...but do i really. if i really wanted to take this chance...should i go to Australia if i'm not doing shit here. if i cant find a job, would it be more productive of me to go out there and work. would i be enjoying myself more. ya i mean traveling and going new places is always a good experience. but...what if it doesnt work out. what if i go out there and i end up hating her? what if this girl i hold in such high regard turns out to not be that great? i mean i dont think that would happen. realistically i think of her as borderline flawless. but...but what if im wrong. what if im just another dumb guy who runs around wasting his time/life on something thats not worth it.

i guess you could say im at a crossroads right now.



"would you tell me, please, which way i ought to go from here?"
"that depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the cat.
"i don't much care where-" said alice.
"then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the cat.
"--so long as i get somewhere," alice added as an explanation.
"oh, you're sure to do that," said the cat, "if you only walk long enough"