i have zero structure in my life right now.


nothing to do all day. i despise work. i can't tell if i hate working or it just represents how disappointed i am in myself. i have two fucking degrees and i'm at work stressing about if some guy's pizookie comes out within ten minutes. i studied countless hours and pulled way too many all nighters to recite the same introduction and script to every. single. fucking. person. that walks through that fucking door. i was nurtured and raised too well to be degraded by some fucking housewife who's only calling in life was to get fucked and bring another pompous retard child into this world.

it should be child abuse to have so many fucking kids. like this neighborhood. there are girls who are like 16 carrying kids around with them. i know your house is cramped as it is...so lets make it even more cramped and only perpetuate this fucked up lifestyle. as you can see, my life is fucked up right now...so obviously a kid will fix it. i'm not what you would call wealthy in any way, shape, or form...so i'm gonna make it harder on myself and stretch what little cash i have even further by bringing an unprivileged child into this world. th(dr)ug life.

i stress. i stress because i have nothing to do and i need something to do. im floating into monotony and not a good monotony full of structure. a bad monotony full of nothing but vices and and self indulgence. in this lifestyle, my education means nothing. i am on                 the same level as someone who hasn't graduated from high school. there is no prerequisite to this. there is no requirements to get in. there is not a sign that says "you must be this educated to proceed". if anything, there are warnings in life to keep you away from this. to let your life come to a standstill as time continues to pass. it has just been a blur. it's like traveling forward in time, but you catch glimpses of your life as you pass through. kind of like traveling by car. you're just looking out the window watching life pass you by. and here you are...sitting in this fucking car. observing what is going on but not able to immerse yourself in your surroundings because you're in a fucking car. you can only see. can't smell. can't taste. can't hear. can't FEEL. but you can see...from a distance.


maybe i'm just trippin.


my pops is getting old. he's driving like an old man. he's forgetting things. he's starting to somewhat ramble. thing is this is only the beginning. i have never dealt with this firsthand before. my grandparents have never lived near me so i have never constantly witnessed firsthand the ravages of time upon a person's mind and soul. it's going to break my. fucking. heart. it's a shame really. one of life's biggest jokes. you don't appreciate your parents until you get older. as a child, you don't know any better. it's assumed that parents are supposed to be good parents. i mean obviously that's their job. you're supposed to pick me up and take me everywhere i ask. you're supposed to provide for me because i'm your child and i deserve it. then you become a teenager and you despise your parents. they just don't understand me or anything about me. they have never felt how i feel right now. i fucking hate them. what have they ever done for me?!


until 20 plus years down the road you realize...i've been fucking blessed my entire life and had no idea. i was a piece of shit that did not reciprocate the love i was given. how frustrating must it be to give so much to your child only to have them show you nothing in return and sometimes respond with anger. how can you love that child? because it's you in there. i am my parents. i am the walking breathing spitting image of their love. and it took my 20 plus years to realize that...and by then i wasted the golden years of my parents. i wasted 20 years that i could have spent getting to really know them. they're all i have and i took them for granted.

it's a goddamn shame.


maybe that's why i'm so hard on myself. because all i ever want to do with my life is make my fucking. parents. proud. that's all i want to do. i want them to know they raised me well and i fucking love them for it. i want to show them by succeeding in life. i want my life to represent how well they have done and how much i love them. i want the job. i want the house. i want the wife. i want the wife. i want the wife. i want the family. i want to give my parents grand kids when they're still able to appreciate them. i want to be able to raise my kids as well as my parents raised me. i want alot of things. and still...i'm just sitting here thinking about it. not. doing. anything.